Yesterday, I bought a sandwich biscuit thing from Ikea. It looked nice. I thought this might be a good idea for today’s breakfast. Best of all? It’s only SGD$1.80.
Thus far, I’ve tried quite a number of awesome Ikea foods and snacks, and they’ve all been great. So, I thought to myself, this must be good.
Today, while I was waiting for the bus, I opened it up. It’s time for breakfast!
Maybe my senses were extra sensitive in the morning. I was immediately overwhelmed with what smelt like vomit. Or maybe it IS the smell of vomit. This vomit-aroma is not new to me. It’s a smell I encounter every so often as a child when I used to snack on those cheese snacks, where the word, “cheese,” is really an over-statement. This is the smell of a cheese that has been so heavily processed by evil (or otherwise amoral) food scientists, that it would be far more appropriate to refer to it as non-cheese, or better yet, the decayed lactate that issued forth from the devil’s boob/moob.
The only good the offensive smell did was that it woke me up immediately. Gosh. It was a rude awakening.
Anyway, here’s how the snack really looks inside the packet:
As you can see, it’s some kind of cheesy tomato and basil paste, sandwiched between two pieces of bread or biscuits or whatever that is. It reminds me of those Ritz Biscuits with the cheese fillings in it (I loved to eat that as a kid), except that instead of round coined-shaped biscuits, it’s a long bar.
And now, the taste test!
When the bread/biscuit thing first touched my lips, I was rather surprised that it had absolutely no taste whatsoever. It was bland. Well, not a bad thing I guess.
So I proceeded with a bite of this sandwich. Gosh… The bread was so hard and crunchy. It took me a considerable amount of force just to bite off a piece with my mouth. This seems to be a norm by Western standards. I don’t get it. I’ve been to a few Western countries and restaurants, and their breads are often hard as a rock. Usually, they’re served toasted. Sure, crunchy is nice, but it really is an unpleasant type of crunchy. The bread bits are often hard and sharp, they leave cuts and scratches all over my mouth and throat. I am often left feeling like I’ve got a sore throat. It’s like munching on broken glass shards and razors! Personally, this feels a lot like the culinary way of being emo. Instead of slashing your wrist, you’re now slashing the insides of your mouth and oesophagus.
Yeah… This was also my experience with this bread/biscuit thing here. Not only was it as tough as a rock, just munching on it left scratches all over my mouth. It left me with a horrible feeling. My throat feels very scratchy now thanks to it.
I really don’t understand how anyone could enjoy such breads.
The cheese paste in the centre wasn’t impressive either. I couldn’t taste the basil. The tomato didn’t taste like tomatoes either. Instead, what I found was a cheese that had a strong sour taste. It’s almost as good as having dipped this sandwich in vinegar.
Oh gosh. What a horrid experience!
My breakfast was thus a tragic experience.
My conclusion? Avoid this poor excuse for food. I’m so sad that this is the first shitty food product from Ikea.
A friend of mine informed me that “Wasa” is a Swedish name for a warship. What do you find on ships? Seasick people vomiting all over the ship. Plus, warships often carry hard and tasteless rations. As you can see, this snack truly lives up to its name!
You should only feed this to your enemies. You may not be able to kill them, but I’m sure you would have dealt them some damage to their lives (I’m thinking in terms of computer games). At the very least, you would have given them a sore throat (you can’t get arrested for giving people sore throats).
Yeah… Don’t ever eat this. Ever.